i feel so fortunate these days.
i moved to a resort town, over an hour away from the nearest soul that i know; a desert oasis where there are more vacationers than locals. one where even the speed of light has slowed down; the daily pace is geared towards those in no hurry. i have had to relax my city mind and go with the flow, after all, who am i to change a culture? but, to truly blend in i'd have to be >65 &/or gay.
to no surprise of mine, the population appeals to me greatly; you see, i admire those that continue to thrive, despite their age. i respect elderly folk that refuse to stop enjoying life. these ladies and gentlemen have traveled from all around the world to give first-hand appreciation to the bluest of skies and to the the sun, as it disappears into the red horizon, only to reappear behind purple hills. i enjoy the sight of an old man jaywalking or cruising 35 on a 50mph highway in his prized mobile. the ladies here have perfected their lipstick and manners, adding to the beauty of the land. it warms my heart to see couples celebrating their 50th annual visit together, while holding hands and smiling.
i also respect the homosexuals here; they have migrated from all over to be accepted and to appreciate this beautiful earth [that is just as much there's]. the gay folk can openly walk down the street without a care to the ignorance that holds deep in other lands.
many friends have asked me about my thoughts on such a tiny dating pool, but, it's not about that for me. i have no interest in dating, or, a relationship for the matter. i'm here as an individual, to find my place in the world, without the pressures of caring for another. i love to walk the streets, or sip a cocktail, cook dinner, and admire the world without the expectations of a partner. i feel that i can be my truest self when i am alone, free of even the slightest subconscious constructs placed on myself by another. living independent from anything too familiar is the only way to learn what i am capable of. the experience of living by myself in a new town pushes me to explore my mind in ways that i never knew existed.
i hate to sound cliche, but i am soul searching by living an adventure everyday, and, i love it.
my masochistic tendencies tend to bring me back to your side in an unflattering fashion. unfortunately, my welcomed visit brings unwarranted private investigations that reveal a reality where i prove to be a fictitious character in the movie of your life. a brief synopsis of my role is but a mere [and unfair] glimpse, given to a select few. and to the rest of your world, i am camouflaged by the all too endearing term, "self loathing".
the black keys- all you ever wanted
this song is in my head more than it's not.
damn near sends me to tears.
i lay on top of him, with no intention of ever moving.
i timed my breathing so that i'd inhale when he would exhale,
and visa versa.
this intertwined transition allowed me to not only breathe him in,
but to also ensure that our bodies collided in every possible way.
i raised my head from his chest and looked him in his eyes.
i told him, with nothing but confidence,
"i love you".
i quickly covered his mouth with my hand
-he knows that i never want to hear his response;
rejection or reciprocation
would tear me up,
just the same.
Across the Universe VII"paris is just as i envisioned it- full of culture, art, beauty, and love."
"nothing is underestimated about france; it's decadence and pride are captivating . . . an afternoon at the louvre was not nearly enough to take in such works."
"nothing is underestimated about france; it's decadence and pride are captivating . . . an afternoon at the louvre was not nearly enough to take in such works."
"i've never spent so much time with a man; i love rick, i really do. i don't mean in the way that i am hoping for a future after our return, because honestly, there isn't one. we have been practical and honest about the whole thing- our friendship has evolved very naturally into a romance that has an expiration date. he and i fulfill many roles that seem to be based on natural laws of survival and friendship. we are capturing the moment with romance. at times, the woman in me questions why i am giving myself in these ways, but the truth of the matter is that rick is my everything at the moment- my only friend as far as the world is concerned. he fills my every instant, because that is the reality that we created on this trip. the reliance upon one another is a beautiful thing, it truly is; we need each other, it's a wonderful feeling to trust and be trusted in this way. this trip is not only educating me about this beautiful world, but also how to work as a team and how to love."
"our hostel is right down the way from the moulin rouge, so we dedicated one night to checking the area out. we found a "deal"of a strip club- rick was charged 5 euro and i was let in for free (we'd be FOOLS to not go inside, right?!) but then we were forced into each purchasing a 20 euro beer and watching an obese black girl attempt to wiggle, it was one of the most awkward moments of my life.we didn't go into the moulin rouge because it was 100 euro each; we settled on taking photos and wandering into bars and sex shops. we met a couple of girls from spain. rick really enjoyed conversing in spanish, while i once again relied on smiles and gestures- somehow it worked and the 4 of us had a lot of fun!
"after we got back to the hostel (at 4am ish), i came downstairs to wash up. my steps woke the man at the reception (he slept on a mattress behind the desk). when he saw me, he jumped up and frightened me as he lunged towards me, backing me into a corner. he was a darker man, definitely not french, more likely of middle eastern descent. he began to poke at my boobs and shouted, "dance! DANCE!" at me. i stood there for a few moments, extremely entertained by his absurdness, before slapping him and running back to my room.
"after a late night of partying, we had a slower start than usual. we took a train to versailles to see the palace. the palace was elaborate, to say the least. 
"the sky is one of thee most magnificent creations that i have ever seen. i wish my words could do it justice. every encounter with it becomes more beautiful as it shifts with each blink. it's absolutely mesmerizing . . .
"for our last night in france, we decided to get dressed up and bid 'au revoir' to the city with a fancy meal and a trip to the eiffel tower. we were too late to go up the tower (which was ok by me because i would have surely froze in my tiny dress). our night was beautiful, nonetheless." 
Across the Universe VI
"i am on an overnight train to paris, france. i am sad to leave spain, i was comfortable there and entranced by the culture- but i am looking forward to the lively parisian streets that i grew up wanting to be a part of; paris symbolizes all that i long to be- an artist embraced in romance. the train ride is interesting, in that males and females can not travel together in the overnight cars- rick and i are having to spend our first night separate (which is a welcomed adventure). i am sharing this tiny cabin with 5 other women (bunked 3 high on each side), all from various countries. i particularly like a french girl, katya; she is moving back to france after a few years in spain. she has turned us into a ring of outlaws as we smuggle her cat across the border (thankfully even my allergies were on board for the assignment)."
sidenote: rick and i planned our adventure over the course of 3 nights from the safety of his U.S. home, under the influence of wine/tequila/beer. i'm assuming our reservation to our parisian hostel was made at the end of one of these nights when we were too "lazy" to either a) read the ratings or b) take the ratings seriously. he and i were definitely looking for adventure at a low rate, but this was bad!
"we found our hostel, it was quite a trek from the paris [proper] lights. in fact, it was another 2 long metro rides and the faces grew darker with each stop.
"we walked the city and frequented many cathedrals (that dated back as far as the 1400's). we had tea as we listened to accordions and we took in the sights that the painters successfully captured. the city was just as beautiful as the movies depict and the stories friends tell. it was a bit harder to maneuver around due to our vast language barrier; the french aren't pleased with my blasphemous attempt at their native tongue (it was often butchered with a crude spanish accent), and it seemed that it is their lack of confidence in the english, that they do know, that might be interpreted as "rude".
"the cathedrals have become very important to us; they give us a destination, a story about history and culture, a lesson in religion and faith, and a place for meditation. rick is much more religious than i- i know it's important for him to come and hang his head. fortunately, these places have an extended invitation to all; i find the sanctuary a fantastic place to sort myself out.
"it is surreal to be amongst works of art that pre-date modern tools- men would spend their whole lives dedicated to seeing a cathedral through. the amount of energy that has filled these monuments for centuries is sometimes overpowering and at times i envy the passion these humans possessed to erect these places of worship (as non-christian as that is). i really cannot begin to explain the attention to detail that is worked out in stone. every inch is beautiful. however, it is the most modest of shrines that truly hold the most significance [for me]. the hard-working man that gave all he could to provide a world welcome to all- it's awe inspiring (for lack of better words)."
photos: cassondra carper & ricardo novelo
"i am on an overnight train to paris, france. i am sad to leave spain, i was comfortable there and entranced by the culture- but i am looking forward to the lively parisian streets that i grew up wanting to be a part of; paris symbolizes all that i long to be- an artist embraced in romance. the train ride is interesting, in that males and females can not travel together in the overnight cars- rick and i are having to spend our first night separate (which is a welcomed adventure). i am sharing this tiny cabin with 5 other women (bunked 3 high on each side), all from various countries. i particularly like a french girl, katya; she is moving back to france after a few years in spain. she has turned us into a ring of outlaws as we smuggle her cat across the border (thankfully even my allergies were on board for the assignment)."
sidenote: rick and i planned our adventure over the course of 3 nights from the safety of his U.S. home, under the influence of wine/tequila/beer. i'm assuming our reservation to our parisian hostel was made at the end of one of these nights when we were too "lazy" to either a) read the ratings or b) take the ratings seriously. he and i were definitely looking for adventure at a low rate, but this was bad!"the short walk from the train to our hostel was frightening; i had never clenched a man's hand so tight. rick was just as nervous for me- the men that frequented these streets were immigrants that seemingly survived off selling cigarettes and stolen goods; my partner and i were outnumbered by dirty, old, poor men and they knew it. they quickly surrounded us and hovered, even as rick and i sped forward. they were crude with their comments toward me and caressed my face and hair with their disgustingly dirty and seemingly oversized paws.
"we made it to our hostel with all intact. rick had me take a quick vow that i would not leave the entrance doors without him- there was no reluctance in my new need for dependence.
"we shook it all off with the corking of a bottle of champagne that we had bought freshly off our train from spain (not thinking we'd have to lug an extra couple of pounds for miles). we cheered and welcomed our new experiences in france.
"we stored our belongings and i changed from my beloved barely-there attire, that i loved so much in spain, to a more modest look. and then, quick as that, we were on our feet again, determined to conquer another city in just a few days.
"we shook it all off with the corking of a bottle of champagne that we had bought freshly off our train from spain (not thinking we'd have to lug an extra couple of pounds for miles). we cheered and welcomed our new experiences in france.
"we stored our belongings and i changed from my beloved barely-there attire, that i loved so much in spain, to a more modest look. and then, quick as that, we were on our feet again, determined to conquer another city in just a few days.
"we walked the city and frequented many cathedrals (that dated back as far as the 1400's). we had tea as we listened to accordions and we took in the sights that the painters successfully captured. the city was just as beautiful as the movies depict and the stories friends tell. it was a bit harder to maneuver around due to our vast language barrier; the french aren't pleased with my blasphemous attempt at their native tongue (it was often butchered with a crude spanish accent), and it seemed that it is their lack of confidence in the english, that they do know, that might be interpreted as "rude".
"the cathedrals have become very important to us; they give us a destination, a story about history and culture, a lesson in religion and faith, and a place for meditation. rick is much more religious than i- i know it's important for him to come and hang his head. fortunately, these places have an extended invitation to all; i find the sanctuary a fantastic place to sort myself out.
"it is surreal to be amongst works of art that pre-date modern tools- men would spend their whole lives dedicated to seeing a cathedral through. the amount of energy that has filled these monuments for centuries is sometimes overpowering and at times i envy the passion these humans possessed to erect these places of worship (as non-christian as that is). i really cannot begin to explain the attention to detail that is worked out in stone. every inch is beautiful. however, it is the most modest of shrines that truly hold the most significance [for me]. the hard-working man that gave all he could to provide a world welcome to all- it's awe inspiring (for lack of better words)."
photos: cassondra carper & ricardo novelo
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