stagnation is holding me captive.
cat power- remember me (cover)
get gone.
i hope you are missing my kiss
at this
exact
moment.



i'm so tired
of being
surrounded
by
cowards.

across the universe III
we happened to be in spain during "running of the bulls" and realized we'd be fools to not check it out. the trip would be a minor days detour, or so we thought. we took a train from madrid to pamplona. the first thing we did when we got off the train was run to get into line to purchase a ticket back to our hostel (in madrid) that same night. unfortunately the lady in front of us bought THEE last tickets out of pamplona- we were told that the first train available out of the tiny town would not be until 645 the next morning. we bought the tickets and figured we'd stay up all night partying and catch that ride. we headed for the festival and got into proper attire (white shirt, red bandanna, beer in hand) before strolling the streets. we had just missed the actual "running" by about an hour, but there were many more festivities to participate in. rick and i jumped into conga lines that toured the town, danced in the bars, and ate til we could hardly move.
we decided that although we wanted to partake in the culture, we could not be a part of the bull fight (for reasons pertaining to humanity). so, as that particular tradition began, the town left the bars and streets and flooded the stadium; rick and i found a nearby park and figured we should try to take a nap [knowing that we would not be sleeping that night].
when we awoke we headed back into town but could not get into the festivities; we were starting to get cold [note my tiny tank and shorts], we were nervous about our night of homelessness, and we were just lacking the passion, i suppose.
the night turned around when we found some hash- though we had little idea what to do with it. i befriended a french man [with that good ol' universal smile] and he gave rick and i a lesson on joint rolling. as we smoked, a beatles cover band took stage and the night exploded!! the thousands there sang every song (you could pinpoint the countless different accents) and the crowd was united. i had never witnessed anything like this- we all put our arms around our neighbors' shoulders and swayed, danced, sang and hugged. rick and i started a conga line that grew to be probably 200 people long!!
it was a beautiful night, truly awesome- until the music ended and the streets cleared out, and rick and i were alone, cold, and searching for a bench to sleep on. we eventually settled outside of the train station, we huddled for warmth and counted down until 645am. rick was kind enough to let me rest my eyes while he kept guard (there were many transients in the area and we did not feel safe). it was a loooong night.
believe it or not
i am
here

for much more

than

your
convenience.

"the only drawback i could conclude stemming from some men is that some of them don't like the free woman much. they view sexual aggression from women as too much strength. we call those men 'boys'."

-my surrogate boyfriend

the beatles- you've got to hide your love away
across the universe II
we left dublin, in a tiny plane, and landed in madrid, spain.
we were "welcomed" by their annual gay pride celebration that conveniently took place right outside of our hostel.
"madrid is a spectacular world; the city is breathtaking with its thoughtful architecture, unparalleled food and alluring culture. it seems that every bit of this place is decorated with passion. if i had my way i'd be living in this great city and forgetting the pressures of my california reality.
rick and i are really figuring out how to maneuver around- thankfully direction comes naturally to him and he enjoys being the navigator. he is also fluent in spanish, which is fantastic because mine is exceptionally broken and a smile can only get me so far.

we spend our time in cathedrals, eating tapas, drinking sangria and just trying to take it all in. the gardens here are the most beautiful that i have ever seen, i am sure to smell each rose and rick works on his poetry . . .
rick and i have decided to spend some moments apart so that we can see just where the day takes each of us. i have found my way into antique shops, cafes and art galleries- meeting locals half way on our native tongues. everyone that i have come across is exceptionally friendly and is just as interested in the american culture as i am in theirs, so conversation is difficult but craved. the men here are very forward and open with their sexuality, but i don't seem to be minding the attention.
one evening, rick left to the market for some bread and i sat in the 'common area' reading. the young spanish man that sat in as receptionist whispered to me, "hey, guapa! is that your novio?" i replied, "no, we are just travel partners--" and before i could finish my sentence, he literally jumped over the desk, pulled me up from my seat and started kissing me. i let myself enjoy the kiss for a moment and then said, "whoa." with a playful but firm push to his chest. Kike (pronounced kee-kay) went on to tell me that he loved me and wanted me to go home with him on his scooter. i was tempted for a moment, he was so handsome, and i had always dreamt of being on the back of a vespa, seeing the sights in full speed . . . but, i politely declined and went back to reading."
his gaze was so intense;
i thought,
for a mere second,

that he was

almost

genuinely
intrigued.


but you see,
this was not my first foray with a sweet talker.

the woman in me loved the attention that my femininity deserved.

however,
i won't be fooled so easily.
not again.
across the universe
a good friend of mine and i decided to backpack around ireland and then europe for a while. i kept a diary of our adventure and will share bits of it.
ireland was our first leg of the tour. thankfully, i knew a couple [that i lived with in australia a year earlier] that acted as our personal tour guides.
it took rick and i a bit to assume our roles, but i must admit- we made a fantastic team. i still dream of our days as vagabonds where we had little more than one another.
we stayed in hostels and a haunted house. we surfed, acted like warriors when visiting castles. and sat quietly writing poetry. we took time to sit in the rain, walk along rivers with swans, and drink with locals in the pubs. we took seaweed baths, fished, and kissed on cliffs.
we were friends that wanted to experience life, and that's just what we did.

bjork- 5 years
she is just like the moon,
in that:
she can not
and
will not
be captured.
romance only continues to live
when love is incomplete.


love
is
transient.
suffering is a deep component of deep passion
and i am resigned to putting my feelings at risk.
these days
i am only
certain
of what
i don't want.

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2010 13:38:16 -0700
Subject: Basically
From: him
To: me


You quickly got a strong emotional response out of me. I find you extremely attractive and want you in the most basic, biological way possible; you are my sexual ideal. You made me laugh and we had a lot in common. Everything made sense. Very intense feelings formed quickly and were placed on to your presence in my life. Suddenly, I was emotionally wrapped up in you and my happiness depended largely on our relationship.

Unfortunately, with these intense feelings comes a small sense of fear, jealousy, and dependence. Normally they wouldn't really be an issue, but because you are a little more liberal than I am and it was hard for me to understand some of your behaviors and attitudes towards things, it was problem. Having your sense of well being and happiness resting on the shoulders of someone you don't completely understand or are comfortable with drove me insane. I was miserable.

This doesn't happen to me very often and normally isn't an issue but for whatever reason, I just had a really hard time dealing with you in my life romantically.

sometimes i wonder if it was the timing and it'd be better now. sometimes i wonder if it was the pressure of your parent's house. sometimes i just think i have to date people i don't like much to stay sane. mostly i think it would be awesome and then explode again.



remember when you asked if i'd still like you if you were "nice" to me?
let's just say, "i'd still be liking you".
it wasn't until you finally told me that you missed me,
that i finally knew that i didn't need you.
or want you.
your moodiness has drained me.

Portishead - Roads

you've
officially
exhausted
my will
to care.