we were laying in bed after 5 months of my one and only "traditional" relationship. we could spend all day and night in that bed, listening to the ocean, feeling the breeze stroll across our bodies.
i loved him.
he gave me nothing but security, and i guess that's what scared me the most.
he started talking about growing old together and making babies on the way. he smiled to himself about me being his forever.
my eyes filled with tears and my stomach had never felt more sick. "i can't do this anymore", i blurted out, so matter-of-factly. i attempted to collect myself as i stood up. i felt so dizzy. i hadn't realized before this very moment that i just couldn't- i couldn't give myself and commit to any kind of future. it wasn't because it was him, it was because it was anyone. i didn't want to be married, i didn't want children. i wanted to see the world and figure it out by myself. i wanted to be selfish forever.
his eyes asked "why?" and his mouth couldn't move.
i grabbed my stuff and ran out the door before he could grasp this reality.
his calls went unanswered for a few days. i didn't want to hear his voice. i didn't want to attempt to explain something that i didn't fully understand myself, but knew to be true.
finally, realizing that i owed him something, anything- i answered the phone.
"i need to see you." his voice was so strong, just like him.
"no. i can't. not yet."
"i need to see you."
"i'm sorry. no. i can't. i'm so sorry."
"i'm coming over."
i waited the hour that it takes to drive from his home to mine, devoting every second to a speech that i'd hold tight to.
he had also practiced a speech.
we sat on my sofa and i sunk lower and lower, deeper and deeper. he told me that he loved me and that he would until the day he died. he promised to take care of me and to never do me wrong. he promised to admire my being every minute of every day.
he promised to conquer the world with me and to fulfill every want and need every single one of his days.
his eyes were solid, and i knew i could trust his words.
i could hardly look at him. i was so ashamed to let him down.
he got down on his knee.
he looked me square in the eyes, without hesitation, and asked thee question, "will you please, please.please.please, do the honor of marrying me?" he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little black velvet box. i looked away as he opened it. i could only shake my head "no" as i reached over and closed the box, never peering in. "this ring is not for me".
without another word he stood up and walked out the door.
i loved him.
he gave me nothing but security, and i guess that's what scared me the most.
he started talking about growing old together and making babies on the way. he smiled to himself about me being his forever.
my eyes filled with tears and my stomach had never felt more sick. "i can't do this anymore", i blurted out, so matter-of-factly. i attempted to collect myself as i stood up. i felt so dizzy. i hadn't realized before this very moment that i just couldn't- i couldn't give myself and commit to any kind of future. it wasn't because it was him, it was because it was anyone. i didn't want to be married, i didn't want children. i wanted to see the world and figure it out by myself. i wanted to be selfish forever.
his eyes asked "why?" and his mouth couldn't move.
i grabbed my stuff and ran out the door before he could grasp this reality.
his calls went unanswered for a few days. i didn't want to hear his voice. i didn't want to attempt to explain something that i didn't fully understand myself, but knew to be true.
finally, realizing that i owed him something, anything- i answered the phone.
"i need to see you." his voice was so strong, just like him.
"no. i can't. not yet."
"i need to see you."
"i'm sorry. no. i can't. i'm so sorry."
"i'm coming over."
i waited the hour that it takes to drive from his home to mine, devoting every second to a speech that i'd hold tight to.
he had also practiced a speech.
we sat on my sofa and i sunk lower and lower, deeper and deeper. he told me that he loved me and that he would until the day he died. he promised to take care of me and to never do me wrong. he promised to admire my being every minute of every day.
he promised to conquer the world with me and to fulfill every want and need every single one of his days.
his eyes were solid, and i knew i could trust his words.
i could hardly look at him. i was so ashamed to let him down.
he got down on his knee.
he looked me square in the eyes, without hesitation, and asked thee question, "will you please, please.please.please, do the honor of marrying me?" he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little black velvet box. i looked away as he opened it. i could only shake my head "no" as i reached over and closed the box, never peering in. "this ring is not for me".
without another word he stood up and walked out the door.
